Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - November 2005

01/11/05  ||  Global Domination

Bolt Thrower: Those once loyal

7.5 /10

Lord K: There’s only one band that sounds like Bolt Thrower and that’s fucken Bolt Thrower. Absolutely not arse for shit. Quite possibly did The Bolt’s just release their best effort yet. You know what to expect and the Bolt’s deliver it to the max. 9

Syrrok: Here we go. The one that everyone’s gonna hope on as the ultimate album of the crew. I’ll come back to this in an hour after I’m done listening to it. (7:08, currently getting the vodka in). (7:14 – fuck, the opening track ruled. It’s gonna be harder to rip this band apart then I thought). This is some battlefield shit. The british guy interrupting the song mid-way (on the Promo version) even ADDS to the song, if you can believe it! (7:32 – kinda hammered. Ok, I’ve heard enough). I can’t deny their strength. Strong one Bolts. 7

Farlus: Did you seriously expect to be disappointed by anything this band puts out? If you did, you obviously haven’t listened to much Bolt Thrower. The band just continues to put out strong effort after strong effort without fail. If you do something well and it doesn’t get old, continue to do it well instead of trying to change it. The band obviously follows through with this philosophy to the fullest extent and it works out well for them and for me, the listener. Another must-own for 2005. 8

Desert Eagle: Eh, all the riffs sound kind of the same and it’s all very boring for me. I don’t eat turkey sandwiches every day you know! Even though they are very delicious I would also get very sick of turkey, so I limit myself. So take it easy guys. 4

The Abyss: The Panzer batallion has returned, freshly stocked with ammo with such lethal force that I surrender after the second songs sonic assault. Top-notch production where the power of the guitars (and bass!!!!) aren’t drowned out like it was on “HVP”. Bolt Thrower is back, this time with a 80% improved kill-rate! 8

Chazz: Somehow, after nearly 20 years, Bolt Thrower can put out an album, which follows the same formula as their previous material, yet still sounds fresh. I don’t want to disrespect their classic albums from back in the day, but this might be their best yet. Karl is back on vocals, the album’s production and mix is outstanding, and the riffs are as strong or stronger than anything they have done before. I think a lot of younger bands could take a few lessons from this album. This one is domination on a disc, a must-own. My only complaint is that the album could use another track or two (look for the import with bonus track when buying this one). 9

Gorefest: La Muerte

7.3 /10

Lord K: I can’t even remember when I had to give 3 albums in Audio Autopsy a 9, but this is one of the three. The Fest is fucken back and they are back with their strongest piece of music so far. JC’s vocals really improved and the catchiness of this album is more evident than my penis after a long cold shower. Arse. 9

Syrrok: This is a tough band. Thank christ they’ve stepped up the production from previous efforts. Great fucken pipes on the singer guy. He provides a rather unique angle to these tunes, which themselves are crafted as well as my steel breastplate. Complete with gleaming jewel of course. 7

Farlus: Somehow we were lucky enough to have both Gorefest’s and Bolt Thrower’s new albums on the same AA (not to mention Dark Funeral). The old guys are definitely kicking the new guys’ asses this month. None of them appear to have lost a step. Whatever words or witty sayings I come up with won’t do this album justice, so just know that it’s fucking awesome, it will please all the fans of Gorefest, and it joins Bolt Thrower as another must own album of 2005. 8

Desert Eagle: The vox on this album are like talking growls. That’s really lame if you ask me. And you are basically asking me, that’s why you’re reading this. I’ll make you read a little bit more. And now some more. Ok, this album sucks. 3

The Abyss: I never knew I missed Gorefest until they reunited and joined GD because I’d never heard them before that. Now that I have, I’m happy as fuck because this album kicks the shit out of (almost) all the other albums combined in this month’s AA! Unique vocals, solos to die for, fat, groovy riffs, impeccable and creative drumming all wrapped up in the best (most realistic) production-sound I’ve heard in YEARS! Fantastic. 9

Chazz: I really didn’t know what to expect the first time I got a chance to hear this album. Gorefest has been out of the whole scene for a while, and personally, I didn’t think they left on a high note with their last album. I was impressed as fuck, outstanding drumming, well written and played riffs, and some nice variety between songs. I don’t know what else to say, old fans of GF won’t be disappointed, and I think they still bring something to the scene that new fans just might dig. 8

Dark Funeral: Attera totus sanctus

7.2 /10

Lord K: Chaos. Intensity. Insanity. Darkness. Blasts. Satan. Dark. Fucken. Funeral. Is. Raping. God’s. Arse. 9

Syrrok: Still the only band that frightens me. I’m pretty sure they could steal my soul from Sweden as I sleep in my bed in America. I don’t know why they would do that, but I don’t even want to talk about it. This is great church music. I typically use this album as background music while doing my rosaries for the day. I hate black metal. But I’m afraid to give these guys anything less than a 5/10. 5

Farlus: Dark Funeral remains one of the few black metal bands that I enjoy listening to. I’ll need to listen to this much more heavily before I can compare it to “Diabolis Interium” or any of their other masterpieces, but it’s still made a positive first impact upon me. Caligula seems to have changed up his vocal style a bit here and added more variation, and it’s a welcome change. Good stuff. Add a month or two’s worth of a listens and I’d probably add a couple more points to this score. 7

Desert Eagle: It delivers exactly what you expect it to. Black metal. You know, with like the paint and all that. Never really understood the corpse paint. At least the crazy designs with the black paint. That shit doesn’t happen to dead bodies. What kind of dead bodies have they seen? I would like to see them. But I can’t, they don’t exist. 6

The Abyss: Satan’s favourite cheerleaders are back after a 4 year hiatus in hell (Heaven?) and man are they happy to be back! So am I! Slightly more varied musically (i.e. more memorable) then “Diabolus Interum” and with updated vocals (I don’t know what it is, but Caligula sounds different this time around) Dark Funeral blasts through the 8 songs on this album so fast I’m still not sure what happened after the final notes of “Final ritual” rings out. Not THE best, but certinly among the best black metal-albums released in the past few years. 8

Chazz: I dig very few black metal bands, and Dark Funeral is one of them. They seemed to have kicked up the feeling of aggression on this one, and varied a few things here and there in the songs, and I think it works pretty well. As far as black metal goes, for me, this is the shit. 8

Between the buried and me: Alaska

5.7 /10

Lord K: I fucken hate happy metal. Metal shouldn’t be happy. These guys want to be brutal but fails when incorporating happy riffs in their semi-blackmetal/death metal/metal/whatever. Between The Arse and the Arse aren’t completely arse, but not far from it. 4

Syrrok: This is some gritty, artsy, esoteric shit. Their guitars could use more bass, and their bass could use less playing. I can definately feel where these guys are coming from with some of their compositions, but in the end it’s just too “scratchy.” Put down your cat. 4

Farlus: These guys really need to change their name. Their name is more emo than Dashboard Confessional knitting sweaters while crying tears of infinite sadness because of the love they feel while taking it up the ass from Taking Back Sunday. The music they play is pretty heavy and un-emo. It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s better than emo or metalcore, and that nets points any day in my book. 4

Desert Eagle: Fucking listen to this before you say anything you assholes. This CD is god damned amazing. This is NOT, I repeat NOT, metalcore. Get your head out of your ass if you think this is the case. Brutal, technical, and very interesting. 9

The Abyss: Pretty fucking bizarre, but also pretty fucking cool. While the name sounds like a shitty metalcore-band the music is a mish-mash of pretty much everything under the metal-sun. If Dillinger Escape Plan had cut down on the uppers on “Calculating infinity” it would probably sound something like this. Without a doubt this months surprise. 7

Chazz: Don’t let the name fool you, this isn’t another crappy metalcore band. I’m not too hot on the production of this album, but otherwise, I was pretty surprised and the originality and brutality of the music here. I had a hard time wrapping my brain around what was going on as these songs are pretty complex to say the least, but never overly technical… and for some reason this album did grow on me a bit. I only wish they had a bit more “groove”. 6

Spiritual Beggars: Demons

4.8 /10

Lord K: Arse-rock. Good for what it is I guess, but boring as fuck to me. 5

Syrrok: Fun time, get high, grow a beard type of music. They have a song on there (Dying every day) that sounds like a Mudhoney song. Way to bring Seattle back you assholes! Just too “syrup-ey” for my tastes. 4

Farlus: It’s taken me long enough to listen to this band. I really should have listened earlier. This is really cool rock n’ doom. Kind of reminds me of Saint Vitus mixed with Fireball Ministry. This is one of a few albums I’ll take away from this month’s AA. You should really check this band out if you haven’t already. 7

Desert Eagle: Stick to Arch Enemy, Mike. Better yet, stick to nailing Angela while listening to old Arch Enemy. Yeah that’ll show her. What? 2

The Abyss: Spiritual Beggars or Grand Magus dosen’t matter; J.B.’s vocals always sound great and after ironing out the kinks (mainly the lack of riffs and catchy songwriting) of the previous SB-album I’m left with an album that can almost rival “Ad astra” in quality headbanging-material! This is great bluesy Rock n’ Roll, like AC/DC on steroids or Zakk Wylde with talent. 7

Chazz: I’ve never been into this band and after being forced to hear it for this Audio Autopsy, I’m still not. Don’t get me wrong, they are good at what they do, excellent even. 4

Dragonlord: Black wings of destiny

4.5 /10

Lord K: Dragonarse pull of some Dimmu-rip off that I guess is ok, if you like arse. I’m just bored to insanity with it. 4

Syrrok: I heard this guy was playing the Stockholm “Unicorn Fanfair and Funfest” later this year. Afterwards I’m pretty sure the Undertaker will be signing autographs in booth A88. This is ok shit, and the poor guy has obviously put a lot of effort into it. But I have also put effort into listening to it. Too much effort. 4

Farlus: When you put other black metal on an AA with the new Dark Funeral, it’s definitely going to pale by comparison. This shit sounds way too much like Cradle of Filth to me, and I’m not a big fan of that band. They make me think of Dani Filth, and that makes me think of angry dwarfs. Then I think of midget tossing contests and I laugh. Then take another drink of beer. Pretty hard to do while in a straightjacket. 2

Desert Eagle: You guys don’t listen to Tony, this is a very good CD. Well produced and well played black metal with well sounding guitar solos that don’t sound like they were recorded in a well. Well, that’s good right? 7

The Abyss: Played back to back with Dark Funeral it’s very very obvious that Eric Peterson dosen’t really have a clue what he’s doing here. This is a keyboard-saturated step in the wrong fucking direction from “Rapture”. Surprisingly good vocals though. 4

Chazz: While waiting years for a new Testament album Eric Peterson gives us this. I remember “Rapture” being a pretty decent album, but this one falls a bit short for me. Production is pretty killer though. 6

Disturbed: Ten thousand fists

3.8 /10

Lord K: Undeniably very catchy arse-music. 6

Syrrok: GOD, HOW BADLY DID I WANT TO HATE THIS FUCKING ALBUM! I can’t. I groove to it. I love the production and I love that Drainman guy’s voice. It doesn’t take much. Yes, this is bro-tastic metal to the highest hill, but I enjoy the shit. 6

Farlus: I never was too big a fan of Disturbed, but after they had their fifteen minutes of fame and were just relegated to being another nu-metal fan that failed (i.e, after the release of their first album), I stopped paying attention. I didn’t even listen to their last effort. I think this is their third. Surprisingly, it’s not half bad. Some of the songs downright suck, but some of them are tolerable, and I actually dig one or two. That’s better than most of “new” radio metal bands can say. And what do you know, when the singer isn’t trying to rap or say “OOO AH AH AH AH” he can sing pretty decent. 5

Desert Eagle: This is like one of those questions on IQ tests, which one doesn’t belong? Whose idea was this? I bet it was someone who doesn’t actually have to review it. Fucker. 1

The Abyss: Hey imagine that, this one didn’t suck as hard as I’d thought! I know their previous album annoyed the shit out of me and while they’re far from great at least I don’t have visions of stabbing Draiman in the eye everytime he opens his mouth. I would never ever pay for this but for being nu-metal, it’s pretty decent. 3

Chazz: Pretty decent production here, sounds like they had some cash left over from when nu-metal was popular. I though I was actually hearing some domination in the third track, but then realized they were just playing the riff from The Project Hate’s “Nine Spectrums of Impurity”. It’s got some groove and a few decent riffs here and there but the vocals kill it for me. 2

Path of Possession: Promises in blood

3.7 /10

Lord K: Half-arsed death metal with In Flames influences that makes no difference whatsoever to me. It’s not especially brutal, it’s not espcially catchy. It’s just there. 4

Syrrok: This fucken band makes David Lee Roth look like that Extreme guy. Bogus balls in the cheeze grater metal. This band gives new meaning to the term, “next.” 3

Farlus: Yet another mediocre album from this month’s AA. The first few songs were really cool. They had lots of groove, lots of brutality, and had my head banging. As the album progressed, the songs became more and more similar, and thus more and more boring. Consistent, non-repetitive music is hard to find these days. 4

Desert Eagle: Oh what awful harmonies. How can you start a song like that guys? Maybe they’re deaf. That’s not so terrible if they’re deaf then. You know, Beethoven was deaf. A little food for thought. Unlike this band, which is garbage for ears. 3

The Abyss: There’s a Swedish saying; “Shoemaker, do what thy does best”. Corpsegrinder should’ve paid more attention when banging those swedish groupies because dude? Singing sub-par melodic death on your spare time? Not cool. Don’t quit your dayjob. 4

Chazz: I was really disappointed in this album. I dig Fisher’s vocals in Cannibal Corpse and expected this album to be pretty killer, and it was for the first few songs. After those first few tracks, the album really took a turn for the worse, this could have been a really killer EP/MCD. 4

Manntis: Sleep in your grave

3.5 /10

Lord K: Manntis is complete and utter arse. Bullshit riffing with bullshit arrangements and bullshit-everything makes for a good bullshit record. I fucken hate semi-metal/hardcore influenced bullshit. 2

Syrrok: Is this the band with the midget troll-looking guy with the prosthetic penis for a nose? Some free advice for up n’ coming metal bands out there, DO NOT name your band after a bug. Secondly, don’t play bullshit music. 2

Farlus: These guys’ name is too similar to Mortiis. While they’re not nearly as gay as Mortiis, they still suck. Hatebreed sounding shit that’s not really worth my time. I don’t get it. Why make a band just to sound like someone else? Pointless and stupid. 2

Desert Eagle: I had pretty low expectations considering this band was on “Battle for Ozzfest” or at least their guitarist was. Those expectations were not met. The guitarist still sucks. He needs to go back to shred school and study real hard. Let go of the wah man, let it go. 3

The Abyss: Hell this is a nice surprise. It sounds like metalcore, but it doesn’t suck like metalcore! Keeping up good speed and never loosing the momentum until the last (acoustic) song; Manntis has me tapping my foot and nodding my head more then any other metalcore-album in the past year. 7

Chazz: Straight up metalcore with some decent groove that I don’t feel embarassed playing without headphones. Nothing really original here, but as far as metalcore goes, this is about as good as it gets. Yes, that’s not saying much. 5

The Abscence: From your grave

3.5 /10

Lord K: “From your grave” belongs in someone’s arse. If I decided to take a really melodic shit with crappy vocals, I would have this album. 3

Syrrok: I was wondering when the “stab yourself in the thigh with a fork” brand of horrible production would great me with the customary kick to my nuts. Well wait no longer! It has arrived this month in the form of Absence’s new album. I’m using this CD like Dolph Lundgren did in “I Come in Peace.” Think about it. 1

Farlus: I zoned out so much during this album that it was over before I knew it. That doesn’t say much for it. Sort of thrashy and Haunted-ish, but it’s an insult to the Haunted to even compare this band to them. 3

Desert Eagle: Reminds me a lot of ATG style melodeath. You know, like SotS type stuff. Do you understand? If you don’t, then you won’t. If you do, what’s up Ray? 7

The Abyss: This shit puts me to sleep. If I weren’t afraid of insulting (and thus pissing off) numerous Swedish bands I’d call this melodic death metal, but with the added notaion that it’s nowhere near as good as the originals. 2

Chazz: I thought this was pretty decent, but the more I listened to it, the more the songs started to run together. They sound like they have a lot of potential and talent, but to me, the songs never rise above “decent”. 5

Cryptopsy: Once was not

3.5 /10

Lord K: Another one of those bands that I never gave a fuck about. Is “Cryptopsy” even a word? No matter what, the name is arse. Uber-technical death metal isn’t one of my fave-styles and Cryptopsy sure makes it stay that way. 4

Syrrok: The only thing going for them is that they rocked pretty hard live. But I mean, I also though Hansen rocked live, so what does that tell you? It tells ME that Cryptopsy have both a ridiculous moniker and an even more ridiculous metal album. 3

Farlus: From curious to pissed off in under seven tracks. Boring and uninspired. I have love for my brothers from up North, but come on. You can do better than this. 3

Desert Eagle: Vocals really don’t get much worse than this. I think I sang like that when I was five years old and had a bad chest cold. Induced by mold. Or so I was told. 4

The Abyss: They’re talented (everyone says that so it must be true) and fast. So in that case, why is the intro played so sloppy, the production sounds like ass and why the fuck can’t I remember a single fucking riff when I’m done listening? Because it’s Cryptopsy, of course! 2

Chazz: “None So Vile” was a great album, this isn’t. These guys have fuckloads of talent for being able to pull off these songs, but the album is pretty hit and miss for me. Some good songs, some not-so-good songs. 5

Grimfist: 10 Steps from hell

3.3 /10

Lord K: Grimpenis aren’t very good and the fact they have some decent riffs going on here and there won’t change that. Pack yer arses out of my Audio Autopsy already. 3

Syrrok: Grimfist fucking suck. Join Confessor in the bar of failure. 1

Farlus: While at times the music can be grating and repetitive, these guys do know how to write some really cool riffs. Unfortunately, a cool part here and there in each song doesn’t make a great album. It’s tying those cool parts together. This band doesn’t do that well. 4

Desert Eagle: So these guys can’t really decide what kind of music they are. It’s either black death or thrash. Hmm I can’t really decide how bad they suck. 5

The Abyss: Damn I had alot higher expectations from a band that has has Horgh drumming for them, sadly these expectations are put to shame since I can’t really figure out what the fuck Grimfist is trying to accomplish. The vocals are standard growls, the guitars can’t really decide if they wanna rock out or blast like hell and the drums are just… there. The bass? Who cares? This might improve with time, though I doubt it. 3

Chazz: I got pretty tired of my buddy telling me how great this band was, but he does usually have decent taste, so I expected this to be some killer shit. I’ll never take his advice again. To their credit there is about 8 or 9 seconds of killer riffing per song. 4

Arcturus: Sideshow symphonies

3.2 /10

Lord K: This is quite possibly the first time I hear Arcturus. It also quite possible that I think it sucks alot of fucken arse. Hairy arse. Incredibly shitty arse. The vocals are arse. What do you expect from a guy called Simen? Eh… I don’t even know what that means. But I know that “arse” isn’t what I wanna refer to when I hear a band. 3

Syrrok: These guys make Masterplan and Helloween look like fucken Macho Man Randy Savage. I have no idea what these guys are trying to accomplish with their ridiculous power metal, but it sure as hell won’t help you get through your day. In fact, it’ll probably make you end your life. 2

Farlus: Good God. Are you serious? I couldn’t even make it through the first song, and I tried hard. Really. I think even Richard Simmons would call this shit gay. 1

Desert Eagle: These guys have an eight and a half minute song, which is about 10 minutes too long. The singing sounds kind of like Vintersorg but out of key and awful. Ugh, this is hurting me. 3

The Abyss: The cool thing about Arcturus is that every album they make will be different then the others while still retaining the psychotic carnival-feeling. “Sideshow symphonies” is not as metallic as “The Sham mirrors”, instead it leans more towards the utterly bizarre “La masquerade infernal” and no one could be happier about it then me. Superb muscianship all across the board and new vocalist Simen Hestnaes shows once again why he’s one of a kind with his passionate and dramatic voice. 8

Chazz: I give these fucks some credit for their musical talent, but I can’t get into this. Over the top power metal which borders on ridiculousness… I don’t know what else to say. I’m sure their live show is “fun”. By “fun” I mean gay. 2

Confessor: Unraveled

2.8 /10

Lord K: I clearly remember the impact that “Condemned” had on me. That was tons of years ago. I also remember the vocals being the most annoying shit since ass-blisters. This is not as good an album, but it has it’s moments and the vocals aren’t as irritating anymore. 6

Syrrok: Confessor fucking suck. Get off my winamp. 1

Farlus: This started off as some awesome doom (for about 3 seconds), but the vocalist’s voice really got on my nerves. After a few songs my ears did adapt and the music became more listenable, but overall this album, like most doom, is just background music for me. Interesting parts, but not that interesting as a whole. 4

Desert Eagle: Doom metal stands for slow and boring. This reminds me of a shitty ass slow version of Alice in Chains. Yikes. 2

The Abyss: Is this sludge? If so, I don’t like sludge. Do you think this is good? If so, you clearly have no fucking taste. 2

Chazz: I remember these guys putting out some decent albums way back when. To quote the great Rudy Ray Moore (as Dolemite), “What the shit is this?” 2

Helloween: Keeper of the seven keys: The legacy

2.0 /10*

Lord K: “Keeper of the seven Arses” part 1 and 2 are classics. We all know that. Then the fucken German idiots started writing about dark rides, bubbles and rabbits and I never gave a shit about them again. I also met guitarist Weicunt in Wacken once and I hated him after 3 seconds. This album makes me hate him even more. 3

Syrrok: At this point I’m just trying to find something useful to do with 3/ these tunes. It IS Halloween here in the States as I am writing this, so perhaps when little kids ring the door asking for candy I could instead give them the promo copy of Helloween’s “Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part 3 (cuz part 1 and 2 just weren’t enough i guess)” Those kids would probably gang up and murder my dog if I did that. Nevermind. To the recycle bin with the other trash Helloween. 2

Farlus: Yeeeeah. Um, no. This metal is too upbeat for an angsty music fan such as myself. Even beer can’t make this one any better. The vocals just ruin it for me. 2

Desert Eagle: THEY HAVE A FUCKING 14 MINUTE SONG. THAT IS JUST NOT FAIR. 2

The Abyss: If your name’s Helloween, you are not, repeat NOT allowed to start ANY album with a 14 min power metal-anthem. Now go fuck yourself. 1

Chazz: “Keeper of the Seven Keys: part 2” was one of the first albums I’ve ever owned I remember liking it so much, that I even purchased the “I want Out” live cd. I’m glad I outgrew this shit some 10 years ago, this album is better for laughs than it is for the tunes. Just when power metal couldn’t get any gayer… 2